funeral planning for those who don’t plan to die
aka write your own obituary while you’re still alive
the first
time I ever wrote an obituary was back in about 1968 or 1969 when one of my
Journalism instructors had us write one for ourselves, projecting ahead to some
future date. oh my, what a life I ended
up with, lol. I can’t remember the
specifics, it’s been too many years since I wrote that ode to a fantastic,
generous, fulfilled life. the hubris of
youth, eh?
the next
time I had occasion to write an obit was 1991, and that year I wrote 3 of
them. that was a good year, all right. my father was the first of the lot, and
actually it wasn’t the obit I wrote, it didn’t occur to me to do so. but I wrote out a eulogy for the memorial
mass, and that’s almost the same thing.
I included personal reminiscences and threw in a maudlin poem for good
measure. side note: five years later, to
acknowledge the anniversary, i asked my younger brother in Ireland to write a
poem for the obit section. it was
wonderful, and what a great way to commemorate a life!
but back to
1991, I lost two very close friends, Dennis in the Summer and Dorothy in the Fall. both had been active in the hot air ballooning
community, so I wrote a couple of “life well-lived” pieces for the balloon cub
newsletter. I enjoyed doing that,
because it provided me the opportunity to inject some of their personalities into those
pieces.
while I don’t read the obit
section as a habit, I’ve always been befuddled by the tendency for obits to be
stiff and dry. “name” was born, married
mr. x, had 3 children. survived by
parents, siblings and their wives/husbands, and friends too numerous to
count. services will be Friday at
noon. I find it sad that someone’s life
is condensed into basic sound bites without any indication what the person was
really like. what did they like to do,
what activities were they involved in, what were their dreams?
since 1991
I’ve written several other obits that actually were printed in the obit
section of the newspaper. I always feel pleased when someone asks me to do so, it’s just a way for me to help them during a
difficult time. plus I get to act like a
sleuth, digging for the details that will ultimately blossom into a friendly
profile that will mean something to the family and friends of the
deceased.
sometimes,
though, it’s like pulling teeth. about a
year ago a friend asked me to write her sister’s obit. I had plenty of lead time, since she didn’t
need it until they were set to travel to Texas to bury her ashes in the family plot. I’ve inquired several times for background
details, but have yet to receive anything except a picture! I told my friend I don’t write well under
pressure, so to please not call me the night before they drive to Texas and
expect the output the next morning, ha!
several
years ago, my sister-in-law’s mother died.
I knew her very well and spent a lot of time not only visiting with her,
but interviewing her for a family recipe memoir book I had just started. as a result I had lots of basic details,
fleshed out with tidbits of historical and geographical references as well as
family anecdotes. here’s one excerpt:
“Phyllis loved being
involved in all the family activities, the visits from her grandchildren,
making new friends, and of course continuing her lifelong tradition of cooking
wonderful meals for family and friends.
The kitchen was the epicenter of Phyllis’ life, and her thoughts always
revolved around planning menus for upcoming visits, special occasions, and
family get-togethers. The family has
many warm memories of Phyllis’ favorite dishes, especially her fried chicken,
potato salad, and of course her famous peanut butter cookies. Her granddaughter’s favorite was shoo fly
pie, and she fondly remembers how her grandmother pronounced pie as “pah”.
“Putty's lifelong
career was with Chevron/Texaco, but his heart was in Little League, where he
proudly coached decades of players, including his son and grandson, and
energetically argued with the umpires. He loved baseball and playing golf with
his boys, and he loved barbecuing for family and friends. He loved eating. And
if you knew Putty, you know this is true: he loved talking. Putty loved to talk
and he loved to argue. He could, and did, talk to anyone about anything, and he
was indefatigable. It was best to just listen and nod.”
and one
more snippet, from another online friend and blogger, writing about her favorite
uncle. this one appeared in the New York
Times:
“Another milestone in the happy history of
Rolly’s life on Earth occurred on October 16, 2013 when, at the age of 86, he
walked across the Brooklyn Bridge for the first time in his life. The trek would have taken half as long if he
hadn’t stopped every few minutes to pronounce that this view, or the one a few
paces further, was the most terrific, most beautiful view of New York , of
civilization, or of humanity that he’d ever seen. Rolly is survived by a legion of family and
friends who have to figure out how to live in a world without him.”
to quote the blogger/artist/author friend (Vivian Swift) who wrote that last obit above, sage advice:
“You know the most famous obituary story, don't you? About the rich businessman who was mistakenly obitted (yeah, I made that up, and isn't it brilliant???) and he, reading this premature obit, realized that he didn't want to be remembered for having the world's biggest dynamite factory so he funded philanthropic awards in his name and that's how Alfred Nobel is now mostly known for his Prize. So maybe writing your own obit will reveal a life's mission, or not. You never know.”
final
analysis? give some thought to writing your
own obituary. at least that way some
semblance of how you’d like to be remembered will show up in the
newspaper and the family's genealogy records. how do YOU want to be
remembered?
